I don’t know what I’m doing. I really don’t. I decided to start a blog whilst in the shower. I am the least technologically savvy person you’ll ever come across. so unsavvy that using savvy and technology in the same sentence as “I” is an insult to either of those two words..nevertheless! *squares shoulders and exhales* let’s do this. A request readers, be kind, but above all be forgiving.
I’ve decided to post about once a week on different aspects and entities of my life…I start with *Drum roll*
He’s 6 ft 4″ tall. I’m 5’4 (just to provide some context). he’s a hard worker. Very responsible. Incredibly well-mannered. And he struggling at this point to keep his job. He an intermediate-level engineer at one of the more prolific engineering consultancies in the world. Very posh. but they treat their employees like rubbish. in regards to not only salary, but also their commitment (or lack of) towards their employees. He’s trying to achieve somewhat of a managerial status, the Breadwinner, but failing miserably. He’s got the skills. But…I think..and I haven’t mentioned this to him…I think it’s because he isn’t completely fluent in the English language. He understands all of it, just when he speaks, the grammar’s usually wrong…incorrect allocation of pronouns to gender-specific objects etc. Why haven’t I told him? I don’t want to appear to be pointing the finger at him..I’m incredibly insecure that way…I always feel like I need to be my best around him and always “do the right thing” around him..because he’s perfect…and I’m not..and eventually he’ll realize this and get up and leave….he seems to know this though….He’ll smile (he has a wonderful smile-kinda like the smile catalog models flash whilst advertising golf t-shirts) and ask me why would he have bothered to experience the tribulations we did to get married to each other if he was just going to leave me…you see, when we decided to get married we pissed off a lot of people…his family and mine aren’t–I’ll stop, that’s another bloggy for another time…
But he has flaws-he is incredibly stubborn. He can propagate and conclude, but never initiate anything. His dad owns a business in another part of the world and that’s what he wants to be too-a business owner, but-you see the problem? He has all these ideas, most of them good, a couple, laughable, but they get to nowhere, because they never start off. He hates having to think about the affordability of anything and the fact that our circumstances force us to do so almost daily is slowly, but surely chipping away at him. He’s a rock, physically and emotionally, but the daily struggles getting to him. he indulges…and then pulls the purse strings too tight for even the necessary items..its like living with a pendulum that’s lost its uniformity of motion.
We are also the best of friends and enjoy each others company over anybody else’s..but for the past year or so the compatibility has been replaced…or sidelined..by our son….and his needs and wants…we miss it and crave it but can’t seem to find the energy or time…We’re exhausted all the time and out life is set into such a routine that the drudgery of it makes me scream…and I do…I’ll explain later.
What’s making it even more difficult is that in the next few months we’ll be having to make some monumental decisions of our lives and for the first time in forever, we have opposing views. Like incredibly opposing..to the point that I’m sure his choice of decision will negatively impact my son’s and my life for a long time – any time in that country is too long (it’ll become clearer later hopefully!), whilst he thinks my choice of decision will further force us to succumb to a mediocre lifestyle or involve a risk to large for any room for damage control….hint: the decision involves emigration-or not…
I’ll stop not I feel emotionally exhausted but profoundly liberated…I understand affinities to diaries now, I really do.
Good night peeps (not for me though – I still have my son’s dinner and bath and then the battle to put him to sleep, oh did i mention I’m fasting? I’ll get to eat and drink today at 10 pm…).